Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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