I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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