My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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