apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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