dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
