so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
