I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
