I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
