My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
