he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
