I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
