dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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