There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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