my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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