I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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