And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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