She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
