Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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