My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
