I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
