I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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