Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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