Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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