I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
