the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
