Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
