At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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