this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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