Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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