i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
