1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think your dad took our porno
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
