Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
