I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
