the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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