I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
