Tell her she can't have a vagina
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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