So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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