Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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