i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
