he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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