someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Randomize
