Your mouth is God's brothel.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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