she looked like the before picture.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
God gave him joint rollers for hands
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
