Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
