i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
