im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
