I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
