i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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