I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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