I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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