just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
