I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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