I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
