My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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